Naked Bokken 1 1/2 - The Search For Seta!
by Akal-Saris
Summary: Did you ever try to imagine what a fusion of 'The Naked Gun', Love Hina, and Raymond Chandler would be like? Well, read and find out!


Disclaimer: I don't own Love Hina or any of the characters in it.  This was inspired by some Raymond Chandler parodies I read recently, and The Naked Gun, a movie which has also influenced another LH fic or 2 of mine ^_^

Basically, this is my take on a bad 1950's murder mystery if it was about the LH characters ^_^ Enjoy!

                                                **Naked Bokken 1½: The Search For Seta**

I looked up from a few papers I was shuffling through and saw trouble.  She was about 5'6, blond, and had legs that went all the way down.  One hell of a foxy lady.  She strolled right up to my desk and leaned over.  Nice view.

"Hey there, big guy…you must be the detective everyone's talking about.  Urashima, isn't it?"

That's me.  Urashima Keitaro, Private Investigator.  On the street, they call me Ronin.  I'm self-employed, which is a fancy way of sayin' that I need a job, and I need one bad.

"Yeah, I'm the man.  What's the case?"  She leaned in closer, until she was practically sittin on top of me.  Not that I minded, of course.

"I have to tell you…since a little while ago, my heart couldn't stop beating…maybe it's because I've never been in a room with a Private Investigator who also collects photostickers, but..."

Things got confusing from there.  It's probably cause I had ten shots in me, and six of em was whisky.  I vaguely remember her sayin' something, and then my hand was over her shirt.  Damn, ladies these days ain't got much patience.  I snapped back a moment later.

"Great, I'm glad you accepted!"

"Huh?"  What was this dame talking about?

"One grope equals one investigation!  Here's a picture of my guy, name's Seta.  He's a famous archaeologist.  Ya might wanna check around the Hinata area…that's where he was before he disappeared.  You can find me at 'The Fox's Den' when you find him.  Ja!"

I frowned.  Hmm…looks like I got myself caught up in another case.  Draining the bottle of whisky lying next to my elbow, I called for my secretary.

"Yes, Urashima-sempai?"  I grinned.  She's a cute girl I saved from the gutter.  Real innocent and nonviolent.  I'm more of the fiery redhead type, but she's a real good secretary anyways.

"If anyone calls, tell em I broke my leg and had to be shot.  I'm headin' downtown on a case."  She nodded as I packed my bokken and left.

I didn't have many clues to go on.  Like a blind man at an orgy, I was going to have to feel things out for myself.

My first stop was to the local teahouse.  Ask anyone who knows the ropes - if ya want the real dirt on crime at Hinata, ya gotta talk to old lady Haruka.  

"Hey, Old Woman.  I need a few leads on a missing archeologist."  Ho boy, did that one get me some glares.

"Name's Haruka-san, kid.  If yer talking about Seta, yer too late – I heard he skipped town and left his girl at the alter.  Ya see that girl there?  Ask her, she hired him a while back."  I went to the doll.  Really easy on the eyes.  Brown hair and eyes to match.

"What's a pretty lady like yourself doing in a dump like this?"  She looked up from her drink.

"Ara-ara?  Um…who are you?"  

"Name's Ronin.   You ever hear of a guy named Seta?"  She nodded cheerfully.

"Oh, Seta-kun!  Yes, he helped me find my missing "Liddo-kun and Friends" video!  I haven't seen him for a while…he said something about tax evasion and mentioned that a woman named Motoko was after him.  I think he said something about taking a ship out of town…you might want to check the docks!"  Ditching the ditz, I went to the docks.  I had a friend here who owed me a favor or ten.  

Her name was Tanuki, and she was a friend from way back.  We'd even known each other as kids, and the redhead was probably the only gal I knew who was both smart and good with her fists.  Did I mention she was my type of girl?  Too bad I had that promise to keep, or I'd be with her in a flash.

"Hey, Tanuki.  What dirt've ya got on a Seta?  Word is he saw you just hoppin the latest one-way to the US."  She shrugged.

"Never met the man.  I can tell you what I've heard of him though."

"Keep talking, lady, keep talking."

"He's tall, has brown hair, a bit of stubble.  Usually wears a pink shirt and tie.  Smells of cigarettes – you know, the really expensive ones?  He knows kung fu, karate, and a style he's invented.  Been to Africa, Asia, and once to France for three weeks.  He part-times as a tutor and a lecturer at Tokyo U.  He's a really fantastic tutor, really.  When I was younger, I admitted to my best friend that I kinda had a thing for him.  Looking back, I think she was gonna confess, but didn't.  He left Japan one day and didn't send word for almost three years.  He weighs about 190 pounds, and prefers his eggs sunny-side up."

"Never met the man?"

"Never laid eyes on him in my life."  

"Any suggestions where he might've gone to?"

"Maybe he left word at Tokyo U…he's good friends with the kendo instructor."

I left and started towards Tokyo U.  Things were getting interesting.  From what I figure, this Seta fellow had the babes all over him, and lit out fast when one of em got a little too serious.  I never had that problem – I'm stayin true to my childhood promise.  Too bad I can't find her – none of my sources know who she is, not even Tanuki.  I looked up as I entered Tokyo U.  It was quiet…too quiet.  Two goons with glasses started walking up.

"So, Ronin…we meet again!"  The thug grinned evilly.

"Um…who are you guys?"  Both of the palookas face faulted.

"It's us, Shirai and Haitini!  The recurring low-level minions!  Remember?!"

"Oh yeah…guess it's time for me to pound two palookas into the dirt in a completely anti-climatic way."

I reached for my bokken, but felt a sword at my throat before I could move.  A lady's voice started talking at me.

"Touch your knife and I'll carve you up."

"Sword."

"Whatever."

I gave her the sword.  What else was I gonna do?  As the lady walked off, I saw a fancy-lookin symbol of a giant turtle on her back.

Then the punks started whaling on me.  

"Ow!  Cut that out!  Dammit, I'm the main character!  Two buttonmen like you can't win!"  One of them snickered.

"Feel the wrath of the hired muscle!!!"  His fist coming towards me was the last thing I saw before the world went blacker than my sister's kitty, Kuro.

            _Several hours later…_

"Urashima-sempai!  Urashima-sempai!"  I groaned and opened my eyes.  Either I was in heaven or my secretary was inches away.

"Ugh, where am I?  How did I get here?" Shinobu looked concerned, though I couldn't tell whether it was because of the bump on my head or my hackneyed dialogue.

"Ano…we're on the '_Toudai_', a ship headed for some islands, and we're here because she told me to take you on board."  Shinobu pointed behind me.  Turning, I looked up at Tanuki's face.  My vantage point also afforded me a good view of her…never mind.  Kids might read this.

"AAH!!!  GOMEN!!!!"  I flew backwards as Tanuki blinked rapidly.

"Uh, Ronin?  Are you okay?"  I sat up, wondering why I had gotten that sudden urge to protect myself.

"Um, yeah, I'm fine…just some sort of wacky reflex I guess."  She smiled, slightly puzzles.

"Well, aren't you a gentleman."  I coughed, trying to keep up my macho appearance after scuttling away while screaming like a third-year college failure.

"So, where we headed?"  She pointed at a speck far away, glinting in the ocean like a diamond in a low-cut Vegas dress.

"That island…apparently Seta disappeared there, victim to a crime lord known only as … 'Ze Turtle!"  She punctuated her remark with a little swish motion and a sudden music cue.  After checking around to try and find out where that damned background music kept coming from, I gave up and looked at the island again.  It was still there, sticking out like a pair of feet in a Chicago alley.

"No kidding.  Whose boat is this anyhow, Tanuki?  I didn't think you owned one."  She pointed at two gagged men in a corner.  One was as tall as a pine and about as thin, and the other was dressed in a two-part tux and was looked as mad as a hatter, and I don't mean the insane type.  Their nametags read 'Ken Akamatsu' and 'Sakata Kentaro.'  Both glared at me like spelling errors as I gulped and turned back to face the island again.  Pretty soon we landed, smooth as a baby's cheek, and I started off towards the ominous-looking volcano.  My logic was simple:

The sign next to me read, "Kitsune: you'll never find you're precious Seta again – he's mine now!  If you want him, you'll have to go into Mount Risqué to find him!  HahahhahaHA!" Nodding to myself, I picked up my pace.

"Vagabond!  Stop, and feel the wrath of Shinmei Ryu!"  Looking up, I saw the dame with the katana again.  She and I had a score to settle.

"Watch it lady – this time I ain't gonna be wearin the kiddy gloves.  I'm gonna nail ya so fast your robe will spin!"

"Gi and hakama."

"Whatever."  We circled each other warily, like a pair of three-legged rabbits in a deep-sea pumpkin-carving contest.  Well, not exactly like that, but you get the picture.

"Shinmei Ryu – Zankuusen!" She attacked, taking me by surprise.

"OW!"

"Shinmei Ryu – Zangan Ken!" That time she faked me out, pulling the old one-two with the sword.

"OW!" 

"Shinmei Ryu – Zanmaken, Ni no Tachi!"  My eyes widened like a deer in headlights as the ki blast came at me faster than a bullet in the fast lane.

"Oof."  We both blinked as the blast tickled me slightly.  Unexpectedly, she dropped her weapon.  I felt the sudden instinctive urge to express the obvious.

"Uh, you dropped your knife, lady."

"Sword."

"Whatever."

"You are not evil, as I was told.  Therefore I have no reason to attack you.  Unless…" The woman's eyes glinted dangerously; with the same look a cat gives her lunch.

 "Unless you are a pervert, that is."  I felt now would be a good time to change subjects.

"Can you take me to …'Ze Turtle'?" She nodded.  A faint drum roll sounded in the distance.

"I worked for 'Ze Turtle' out of fear, and would be glad to assist you against her.  I must warn you, however…she is only a front.  The real leader is a mysterious man none have seen.  They are in the depths of Mount Risqué, however."  She stopped and looked around her, apparently wondering why the words 'Ze Turtle' triggered a "Ba da da bum!" sound effect from the bushes nearby.

"Lead on, lady – I've got a ship to catch and the soona we find Seta, the betta."  She nodded and guided me to a secret entryway, when a soft myuu-ing noise myuued past my ear like an assassin flying hot springs turtle intent on murder.

Wait a minute… it WAS an assassin hot springs turtle intent on murder!  

My guide gasped and fell down, whispering to me as she danced her last jig.

"I fall, but you must go on.  Remember…the girl of your dreams awaits you at Tokyo U."  Her eyes closed as I stared at the dame, more mystified than a tourist speaking to a New York cab driver.

[AN: She's DEAD??  *Blinks* And this is supposed to be a romantic comedy!!!!]

Oh well, no sense living in the past.  S'why I put that girl in my dreams out of my head.  Well, mostly anyhow.  Actually, I remember our promise ad verbatim, except for her name!  Figures, huh?  Just my luck.  

With a live volcano, kidnappers, and assassin flying hot springs turtles watching my every move, it was gonna be dangerous.  Like a short man in a urinal, I was going have to keep on my toes.

[AN: My compliments to the reader who can pinpoint where that line is from.  I'll stop interrupting the story now ^_^]

Well, those were my thoughts as I strolled into the secret lair; at least, they were until I was attacked by a small collection of flying mechanical turtles.  Fortunately, I heard someone laughing over the sound of my pain-filled screams.

"Ah-heeheehee-haha!  Mecha Tama-chan Mark Seven, GO!"  My eyes widened as a gigantic technological monstrosity of a terrapin reared its head and glared at me peevishly.  I gulped.

"Uh, hi.  Would you happen to know the way to 'Ze Turtle'?"  I cringed as the girl laughed cheerfully, if a bit maniacally.  Women have that effect on me when they're madder than a hatter and twice as genki.  The echoing, "Ba da da bum!" didn't help my nerves any.

"I know where she is!  Follow me!"  Edging away from the mechanical turtle, I followed my guide, dodging the occasional banana peel and gadget.  Exiting from a winding tunnel that wound more than a clock, we entered a large room.  Strangely enough, it was stacked from ceiling to floor with rare artifacts.

"HEY, BOSS!  This guy wants to see ya!"  I heard a slight noise behind me, and turned around to catch a small Grecian urn in the face.

"OOF!"  Standing, I looked for the joker with the platter ware.  I located her easily, as she was standing on top of a pile of vases and masks, laughing evilly.  A short blond girl, she was probably too young to get even half the jokes in this fic.  Young or no, she was definitely the woman I was looking for.  Now I just needed to find Seta.

"Baby, do ya have any idea how many years kidnapping will get ya?"  She snickered evilly again.

"Hehehehhh.  If you're talking about Papa, I didn't kidnap him…he was just bait!  Now, Ronin…I have you trapped!"  I reached for my bokken, only to feel somebody grab it away.  Turning, I saw the dame that hired me, holding my sword and looking pleased as punch.  Next to her was a tall guy in a lab coat and old lady Haruka.

"What the-!"  The vixen purred as I gasped in shock.

"Sarah's right, Keitaro…you fell for this one hook, line, and sinker."  The doll was right.  I was trapped, trapped like a kanrinnen surrounded by beautiful young girls.  Hmm.  A lousy analogy, but not a bad idea for a mini-series or a manga.  If I ever escaped from this, I had my work cut out for me.

 "How'd you get my first name?"

"Ano…I told them, Urashima-sempai."  I nearly died from shock as I saw my secretary standing next to a curtain, blushing guiltily.

"Orooooo…" A man can only take too many shocks and hits to the head before losing control of his verbal functions.  I'm had more than my share of both for one day.

The tall man walked over to me and shook my hand.

"Hi, I'm Seta.  Thanks a lot for going through all this trouble to find me, even if we did plan it all!"

"Oh, sure…" I was too dazed to reply intelligently.

"Go through that door to your right, go on…we're all waiting!"  I stumbled forward, almost tripping and knocking my self out until my guide caught me.  Huh.  And here I thought she was dead.

"Remember, Ronin…Tokyo U."  

"Hai …" Walking forward, I saw the pathway lead right to the Tanuki's boat, the _Toudai_.

The entire cast gathered behind me as I climbed onto the ship, slightly bewildered.  That's when I saw a dark form in the shadows.

"Do you remember?  Fourteen years ago?  Our promise?"  I gaped.

"Tanuki?  Is that you?"  She stepped out of the shadows, dressed in a wedding gown.

"Yes, Ronin.  Do you recognize me now?"  I blinked as I saw her face clearly.  

"Hey!  You're the girl of my dreams!"  Behind me, Kitsune guffawed.

"I get that one every day!"  Seta and Haruka quieted her and Tanuki and I stepped closer.

"Uh, say, Tanuki…I've known you for a long time, and, um…" She smiled slightly and leaned in a bit more.  

"…Yes?"

"How'd you like to take a cruise together, just the two of us?"  She nodded slightly, and opened the door to the cabin, where she oihkjhjogouhohbtuohje hjihirkjr lkjkjtoikot.  Gf!!!!  Tpktfhhirdhhui ohoh oirlkjmb. Hojtho **MAD NOOKIE** okdjlhhghh gooooooraphiyt hnnm, nbm, nmn no jhkjrg!!!!!!!

[AN:  My sincere apologies.  The above paragraph was unfortunately ruined by a severe, severe nosebleed.  Rest assured that very little happened that you would ever wish to repeat to a minor.]

So that's the story, kid.  Yours truly and Tanuki, we hit it off fine, and now, well, let's just say we're in business together.  As for the others, who knows?  They were walk-on characters in this little mystery.  

** Case Closed!   **

****

****

Notes:

Bokken: A wooden sword.  A katana is a Japanese sword.

Ronin:  Dual meaning here.  In LH, it's used to refer to a college failure, like Keitaro.  If you don't know this word, you have not seen the series in Japanese.  It can also refer to a wandering samurai, hence why Motoko would mistake the meaning and call Keitaro "vagabond."

Toudai: Tokyo U.  Another obvious term for LH fans.

Kitsune: Means fox.  

Kuro: Japanese for black.

Genki: Super energetic.

Tanuki: Means raccoon.  In the OVA, there's a little joke where Naru is trapped in a raccoon box.  Plus, it's Kaoru's nickname in RK, and I swear she and Naru are soul mates.

Gi, hakama:  The traditional kendo clothing that Motoko wears.

Hai: Affirmative, yes.  See?  Japanese isn't that hard!

Wheeee!  That felt good to write…I had the worst case of authors block…every time I tried to start a different fic, I got an idea for this one!  I know this isn't my best work (God, my English teacher would kill me if she saw what I was doing with my writing skills these days), but it appeals to my wacky sense of humor.  Please review, because I really love feedback…compliments, suggestions, flames, anything! ^_^  

Akal-Saris.  Email: akal_saris@yahoo.com.


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